“Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.” -Hāfiz
Little Red Dress
By Paul Shaw
A marked occasion
for celebration?
Bleary lights seen through blinking eyes punctuate the darkness
We walk with red ribbon
to mark the trunk
and tie it off from the earth.
To fell
and festoon
a family ritual,
severed as it was.
A marked boy
in a little red dress, decorated in
self
to fail in boyhood.
What’s to become of my self?
Red ribbons on Fraser firs.
All this beautiful pageantry
only to become invisible.
A little boy in a red dress
illuminated.
Playing the Martyr
The sacral chakra is located just below the navel, ruling over our appetite and emotional nature. It’s the energy of intuition and “gut feeling.”
When we are maligned with this energy we relinquish responsibility for our well being - diverting attention to others while dissipating our own energy. Depleted and exhausted, The Martyr justifies its own struggle. It denies permission to give ourselves prosperity and projects the expectation of self-sacrifice on others. Peace trumps the Martyr’s claim to happiness, fostering feelings of anger, guilt and self righteous suffering.
The mentality of Martyrdom can endure for years, validated by societal norms that reinforce the message of selfishness being overtly negative.
Shining awareness on this wounded aspect of our nature begins by identifying the root of our sacrifice to win the love we did not feel we received early in life.
Wauters offers us sharp insight in her book, “Chakras and Their Archetypes, Uniting Energy Awareness and Spiritual Growth,” defining the Martyr’s pattern to “aid and abet its own devaluation by reinforcing patterns of behavior which negate its growth and happiness.”
Recognizing your Martyr
While the victim feels completely hopeless, the Martyr chooses ignorance over empowerment. Wauters poses thoughtful questions for us to explore:
1) Recall a situation you were aware of being a martyr. This may have occurred in your work, your personal life or with people you were close to. The criterion for this is that you experienced sacrificing yourself for someone else.
2) What are your feeling about his situation now? Can you recall what your expectations were for yourself and what you hoped sacrifice would bring to you? Were you looking for love or approval?
3) Look at the situation where you experienced being a martyr and ask yourself if you harbor resentment for not having your sacrifice recognized. What are your feeling? Be willing to be honest with yourself so that you can release your negativity about this situation and let it go.
4) Are you willing to take responsibility for this situation without falling into guilt or self-recrimination? If you can see it for what it is you may avoid falling into this pattern again.
Empowerment
Moving on from the Martyr is an act of reclaiming sovereignty over our lives. Shared below are some practical tips to break up with the sacrificial lamb and start feasting on the meal!
From 10 Steps to Help You Break the Martyrdom Habit by Pamela Garcy Ph.D:
While this article is tailored for romantic partners, the steps are easily applied to any partnership.
Give up communication escape mechanisms. These include but are not limited to: sulking, whining, leaving, blaming, speaking to everyone except your partner about your his or her misdeeds, avoiding topics that you really want to discuss, being too busy to talk, being too tired/drunk/otherwise unavailable to talk, deliberately doing something distasteful to your partner, having an adult temper tantrum, and more.
When something is wrong, think about what you want to request or what action you want to take. If you are engaging in martyr behavior, you won't think about what you can ask for or do—you'll be thinking about the story you'll tell later or what to complain about.
Take one action every day to begin to correct your problems. Is it time for couple's therapy or coaching? Speak to your partner and schedule an appointment. Plan on attending sessions for at least three months so that real change can be established, unless otherwise indicated by your therapist.
Find one thing you'd miss about your partner. Then, express appreciation to your partner about this. Do this at least once daily.
When possible, increase relationship mending behaviors. Give your partner a hug, hold hands, help out, or say something kind. Do this at least once daily as well.
Improve and practice healthy communication habits. Healthy communication in a relationship includes: owning your reactions using "I" statements about specific behaviors, such as, "I feel lonely when we don't go out at least once a week." Relationship martyrs sometimes use unhealthy communication (if they communicate with their partners at all). Unhealthy communication often includes "You" statements, labeling, and overgeneralizations, such as, "You are a jerk and you never give me the time of day."
Create a quality time together weekly. Go out for coffee, schedule a date night, or join each other for lunch mid-week.
When you're angry, identify how you are "shoulding" on your partner. "Shoulds" often represent demands that you are placing on another person, and demands frequently leads to anger. Instead, work to realize that your partner can do whatever he or she wants to do, whether or not you/others agree with it. Accepting your partner doesn't mean that you agree with his or her behavior, or that you resign yourself to being on the receiving end of it. It does mean that you realize that you cannot control your partner. You have a choice about whether or not to anger yourself over his or her behavior, and whether or not to behave as a martyr. Instead of "shoulding," move into strongly preferring that he or she do things differently, strongly requesting what you want directly or taking actions to solve problems, persisting in your strong preference and strong requests, getting help, and/or leaving the relationship.
Keep a four-column, control-restoration log. This will help you to start to identify and reclaim your power. Refrain from taking a bath in your anger during this exercise, because you will be tempted to step into "shoulding" on your partner. Whether or not the world would rate your partner's behavior as unacceptable, your goal is to move out of martyrdom, so stick with the exercise as it is written:
In the first column, write your partner's offense.
In the second, write your understanding of the real or underlying problem.
In the third, write what you did to contribute to your partner ultimately behaving as he or she did.
In the fourth, write what you could do to solve the problem.
For example, in the first column, you might write, "My partner said something rude to my friend." In the second, "My friend wasn't leaving our house after dinner." In the third, "I failed to set an ending time and didn't speak up to my friend when I saw that it was getting late for us." And in the fourth, "I can ask my partner to approach me to talk to my friend, rather than saying rude things to my friend. I can also make sure to put an end time on any socializing we arrange."
Answer this question: How long have your problems with your partner been going on? Whatever the answer, realize that if this is a chronic problem, solving it may take an equal or greater dose of chronic persistence. Keep working at it, and push yourself in order to break the martyrdom style.
Learn more on recognizing and moving away from Martyrdom click here
